Two Years Ago...

Two years ago, we boarded a plane in Sofia and brought our new son Nikolas home to the United States.  On July 30, 2011, he became a US citizen when we landed in Washington DC.  He was very tiny and had the skills of an infant/young toddler.  He was unsteady on his feet and still ate baby food.  He didn't know how to play and he spoke no words.  Watching him become the little boy he was meant to be has been an amazing experience.

Nikolas is a typical four-year-old little boy.  At 32 pounds, he's still a tiny little guy, but he's got a huge personality.  He's one of the friendliest kids I have ever met.  He brings so much joy to our lives.  He continues to improve his motor and speech skills through weekly OT, PT and SLP sessions.  Tomorrow he'll be returning to school for his second year of developmental preschool.  He loves school and his teachers speak highly of him. 

 He loves going to the zoo, playing on his swingset, going for walks, doing art projects, helping around the house, playing on his computer and spending time with his family.  He loves all animals and is no longer afraid of large animals such as horses and big dogs.  His favorite television shows are Max and Ruby, Peppa Pig and Diego. 

Although he's normally a happy little boy, he certainly lets us know if he's not pleased with something.  He does have a bit of a temper and we're working hard on listening and following directions.  His expanding vocabulary definitely helps him express himself instead of just screaming when things don't go his way.

Nikolas has fit right in from the start.  He's a perfect match for our family and we're so happy that we were chosen to be his parents!!

Playing at the Splash Park

Flying the Bulgarian Flag

Eating at Taco Bell

Having Cake for Family Day

Random Thoughts

Some people may wonder why we grieve for a child that we chose to walk away from.  Although we only spent eight hours with the little guy, we've been looking at his photo every day for nine months.  We thought of him as a member of our family.  We bought a bed for him and had bright red letters spelling his name on the wall in the bedroom he would share with Nikolas.  We had clothes neatly folded in the dresser that we had purchased just for him.  We spent months preparing Nikolas for a little brother.  We had every intention of bringing him home. 

According to the paperwork we received in November, we were preparing ourselves for a little boy with developmental delays and a kidney issue.  We were expecting a little boy who loved playing ball and was just starting to talk.  We were confident that we could help him work through his delays to catch up to his peers.  We have an amazing children's hospital nearby that could help with his kidney problem.  We thought everything was going to be okay. 

To protect his privacy, I won't go into detail about his medical needs, but they were far more severe than we were expecting.  Even though the referral paperwork that we received in June shared more information than we had before, we still didn't hesitate to go visit him.  Sadly, he needs much more care than we are able to give him.  I still have to work 30+ hours a week while balancing Nikolas' school and therapy schedules and taking care of my family.  It just wouldn't have been fair to anyone to proceed with the adoption. 

In my head I know that we made the right decision, but I still can't stop thinking about that precious little boy.  His pictures are no longer displayed in our home and his name has been removed from the bedroom wall.  Even though the visual reminders are gone, I know that I'll never forget about that little boy for as long as I live.

Heartbroken

It seems like most adoption blogs that I read are positive and show all the good and happy parts of international adoption.  Up until now, our blog has been one of those blogs.  We brought Nikolas home two years ago and things have gone so well.  He attached to us beautifully and is thriving in our family.

Sadly, this adoption will not have a happy ending.

We travelled to Bulgaria last week to meet a handsome 3.5 year old little boy.  We met a tiny little boy with beautiful dark brown eyes and soft brown wavy hair.  He was beautiful.  We were prepared to welcome a little boy into our family with moderate delays.  Based on our experience with Nikolas and our friends' experiences with their children, we've watched little ones come home and do very well with a family and the right therapy/medical care.  The more time we spent with him, the more we realized that he had more than just some moderate delays. 

After sending our observations and some videos to a doctor in Minnesota who specializes in International Adoption, our fears were confirmed.  We were told it was clear that he had significant developmental problems and fits into the autism spectrum.  He will most likely have severe and lifelong disabilities that will require constant care.  He will probably never be independent.  We are not prepared to meet his needs.  Choosing to walk away from that little boy was devastating.  I worry about what will happen to him and pray that his family finds him soon.  We are not the best family for him, and continuing with the adoption wouldn't be fair to anyone.

We are thankful for the support of our agency caseworker and a few of our adoption friends who were there to listen, give us advice, and reassure us that it was okay to make this choice.

We are confident that we have another son in Bulgaria waiting for us, and we will find him when the time is right.  Our dossier will be re-registered with the Bulgarian government, and we will wait patiently for them to issue us a referral.  It could take six months.  It could take two years.  We know it will happen when it's supposed to. 

Days Three and Four in Shumen

On Wednesday afternoon we went to the Shumen Fortress.  It was an amazing site to see, but it was very hot up there.  Again, more photos will be posted on FaceBook on Sunday.  I will never complain about the speed of my internet at home!!

 

For dinner Gergana suggested that we order pizza.  I love the pizza here.  It's so good!!  Our hotel has a garden area that they use for the restaurant in the summertime, so we asked if it was okay if we ate our pizza out there.  They were fine with it since there were only a couple of other customers around.  It's very quiet at our hotel.

On Thursday morning we had breakfast and spent some time relaxing at our hotel.  We later tried to find a notary to take care of some paperwork, but three out of the four notaries in town were either unwilling or too busy to help us out.  We will try again tomorrow morning.  This afternoon we walked around in the City Center for a bit.  Shumen is a very nice little city.

For dinner we will be visiting the same Bulgarian restaurant that we went to on Tuesday night.  It's very inexpensive and the food is so good.  Lots of delicious veggies covered in Bulgarian white cheese and baked in an oven.  So good!!

On Friday we will return to Sofia, and on Saturday we will be flying back home to Indiana.  We love Bulgaria and can't wait until we get to come back, but right now we're missing our little boy at home.

Second Day in Shumen

We started the day off with breakfast in the hotel garden.  They have a nice outdoor garden that they use as their dining area in the summer months.  The weather has been beautiful, so we've enjoyed spending some time out there.  They do play Kelly Clarkson's first CD over and over again, but I suppose it's nice to have a little background music.  This is a very small hotel (with maybe only 12 rooms), so it's never very busy out there.  Sometimes we may see other people, but often it's just the three of us.

After breakfast we went over to the orphanage to spend a couple of hours visiting with the little guy.  We took him some bread today since they told us that he loves bread, so he was pretty happy about that.  During the visit he ate the bread and the container of Gerber puffs and yogurt melts that we took along for him.  He did not cry at all during the visit today and he came right to us.  I do tend to think that he recognizes us as the people who bring the snacks.  He seemed a little calmer today.  We played inside for a bit because they said it was too cold to go outside right away.  He enjoyed playing with the little plastic rings that we took with us.  After he got tired of those, we went outside and played on the swing for a while.  One of the orphanage workers approached us while we were sitting in the gazebo having a snack.  She was picking cherry plums.  Apparently these tress are native to Europe and Asia.  The fruit looks like a cherry, but doesn't really taste like a cherry.  We were told they used the fruit to make a syrup drink for the children.  She filled up a bag with several different varieties of the fruit to bring back to the hotel.  We have green ones, pink ones and red ones.

We dropped off some things at the hotel and took a taxi up the mountain to see the 1300 Years Monument.  It is a massive stone monument that is a tribute to 1300 years of Bulgarian history.  It was very interesting, and we were also able to view the city from the top of the mountain.  I'll post more pictures on FaceBook when we get home.  The internet connection here is very poor, and I can normally only stay connected for a few minutes at time.

Our afternoon visit was only for one hour.  We spent the entire visit in the social worker's office.  H seems much more comfortable around us.  He played with (chewed on) some rubber blocks that we took for him and came over to my purse when he got bored with them.  He dug around until he found the Elmo snack box and brought it over to me.  He stood in front of me until I opened it for him, and he stood and ate the entire container.  He is able to pick the pieces up and feed himself.  He sure does love the Gerber puffs and yogurt melts.  He has some medical concerns and is very delayed (maybe a 9-12 month level).

For dinner we went to a traditional Bulgarian restaurant and it was absolutely amazing.  It is very close to the hotel (down a REALLY steep hill), but it's definitely worth it.  We plan to visit the location again later this week.